Dancing with Myself during Mercury Retrograde

I'm blaming Mercury for EVERYTHING going wrong in my life  right now! How dare he go retrograde! I just started a new friendship over the internet and the conversations have been full of stormy misunderstandings and confusing awkward conversations.  I sit down to try and post for my blogs and chaotic nonsense pours out. So please forgive me and blame Mercury/Hermes if this post is flying all over the place. 


My computer who normally cooperates with me and is only a year old has frozen up on me so many times, I might as well be blogging in the North Pole...Knock on wood, the bank with it's "sophisticated" computer systems haven't YET pulled any stunts with my bank account. 
 And I'm not the only one out there who is suffering at the sluggishness of Mercury, I'm hearing all types of stories! Sigh...What's a mortal to do?


Oh, you say you don't know what I'm talking about? Mercury? Isn't that a chemical substance? What does "retrograde" mean and why is this effecting people? Well, let me first go for the mythical aspect of Mercury since I love mythology so much. Mercury was originally known as "Hermes" he only became Mercury when the Romans overtook the Greek pantheon and changed all the deities names, (must have been happening during a Mercury Retrograde period.) Hermes/Mercury, is the god of tricksters, thieves, communication, travel and electricity which of course effects computers. So, now to the science aspect of it all, dear T.D.R. (who prefers science over Myth and magic ; )

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. It's a bit like traveling on the road watching another car beside you: when the other car slows down, or you speed up, it looks as though the other car is moving backwards. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play.

Rob Tillett. (2010) Mercury Retrograde: Astrology on the Web. Retrieved September 04, 2010, from http://www.astrologycom.com/mercret.html


Personally, when it comes to Mercury Retrograde, I don't pay much attention to how the planets are lining up, I'm just trying not to go crazy on this earthly realm. 

All the Greek/Roman deities "ruled or governed" different people according to the date and time they were born, which is mainly how astrology originally came to be based on astronomical movements. Mercury rules Gemini's and Virgo's. 


Now, Mercury Retrograde effects everyone in some form or another, but those of us who have either Gemini or Mercury planets in our astrological charts really have "fun" during this retrograde period. A person's "Sun" sign is what generic astrology is based upon, the typical horoscope you read in the newspaper or magazines. But we have many more planets than just the Sun, that make their presence known when we're born. I won't go into all the planets and their significance now as that would be a book, rather than just a blog post, but maybe I'll do a series on that. 


See? I can't even seem to stay on track posting now which is difficult enough without Mercury being in retrograde. My sun "sign" is Libra, which means usually, I aim for balance, equanimity, fairness, etc...However, my Moon sign which by the way is (about the hidden life inside of us, how we express our feminine aspects and our relationships with our Mother and how that plays out) is in VIRGO. The planet that was "ascending" also known as the "rising" planet on the date and time of my birth is VIRGO, double whammy! Your rising or "ascendant" planet is where your growth occurs in your outer life, it's the "movie preview" of what lays ahead. 


Not to mention that when Mercury Retrograde does his backwards dance he always chooses an astrological sign for a partner. Well, guess what, Mercury Retrograde happens to be dancing with Virgo right now. So, for all of you who have their sun sign in Gemini and Virgo, (or happen to have those planets in big time places of your horoscope chart), well, buckle your seat-belts because this has been a really bumpy road since August 20th and will continue to be until Sept. 12. 

We all feel the retro. shadow a few weeks before the actual retrograde itself and the wonderful effects linger a week or so after he finally decides to fly forward in his winged sandals. We usually have Mercury turn Retrograde three times a year, but in 2010 he turns retro four times a year, lucky us. 


I know for a lot of you this is just too far  to believe and you think I'm too superstitious or kooky and that's o.k. I have friends and family members who are as logical as you can get, dismiss any type of myth and magic and yet when Mercury Retro happens, I always love to hear their stories of mishaps and chaos. Remember, Mercury/Hermes is the God of tricksters, so I take delight in harmless pranks and chaos.


So, what are we mortals to do when Mercury flips us all out or off for that matter? Anything that starts with the letters "RE", which of course relates to REtrograde. This is a time for relaxing, rewinding, rehearsing, reorganizing, releasing and on and on, you get it...You can't fight the gods, so you might as well, not join them, but be in sync with them as much as possible. 


My biggest aim is to relax because I'm already tense and anxious as it is. Oh yeah, and I blogged about Hermes/Mercury being the only god who can visit the underworld and safely come back to the living, well, I call him my Bipolar Messenger as I've also blogged about having Bipolar Disorder II. So you can really imagine my poor friends and family when one minute I'm spinning around them literally or metaphorically like Tigger and then the next minute I'm pulling my Eeyore act. Fortunately, my new friend that I mentioned above is extremely patient and kind with me even though he thinks this whole way of looking at life is a bit loony.

Even I have to laugh at my being bipolar and I guess I can thank Hermes/Mercury for that because believe it or not, there are gifts I receive during the slower times that Eeyore brings as well as the blessings of being able to move forward and dance like Tigger.
 
So, don't curse yourselves out, or others, if life is throwing you some fast ones. It always helps to light a yellow candle (as the color yellow is associated with Mercury/Hermes) and ask him how to be patient and move with as much grace as possible.


I'm still not letting him off the hook though and he owes me big time!!! 
 Hang in there, we only have a little over a week to go and then life will return to some sort of order until Yule/Christmas time (December 10-December 30). Fa la la la and all that nonsense!


Does or has Mercury Retro. effected you in anyway? And what do you do during the "RE" time?

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The Daughter of Demeter

 Fall is a bittersweet time for me. It was right before my birthday in October, that my mother told me she had an incurable form of cancer and had a few months to live. I didn't know how to handle the news and so as I often do I turned to mythology to help me through life. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for a parent dying or their death, even if they've been ill for quite a while. The mythical Goddess Persephone "She who Destroys  the Light" came to gather me and to descend into the Underworld with her.

Depression and Dionysus

I bring ye wine from above, 
From the vats of the storied sun; 
For every one of yer love, 
And life for every one. 
Ye shall dance on hill and level; 
Ye shall sing in hollow and height 
In the festal mystical revel, 
The rapturous Bacchanal rite!

My magickal life changed after I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder II over twelve years ago. Up until that time, it was so easy for me to feel these Dionysian highs simply when I went outside to breathe.
For those of you who don't know who Dionysus was; he was the Greek God of wine, grapes, theater, and fertility. He had female worshippers (maenad's) throw themselves into blissful madness, reveling in song, worship and ecstasy. Dionysus brought me the gift of warmth, creativity, passion and a sensuality that magnetically drew people to me. Every color sparkled in nature and I didn't need any chemical substance to feel so good, so high.
That all stopped when my mother died and I knew that I had to do something more than attending counseling. I  was going to end up either dead or locked away in a mental facility if I didn't change. I had a five year old son at the time, which I think was the biggest reason for me to seek out help. I went to therapist I had previously seen and described  the trouble I was in. He asked me if I considered ever taking an anti-depressant and I looked at him like he just told me I had leprosy. While all this chaos was going on, I was attending a graduate school for a masters degree in counseling psychology. And the major train of thought for people who were depressed was find a good counselor; meditate or be on a spiritual path to turn to when a "dark night of the soul" happened. Hey, I was a follower of Dionysus the God of pleasure, I didn't need any other spiritual path than that, thank you very much.

The rocks and trees are yours, 
And the waters under the hill, 
By the might of that which endures, 
The holy heaven of will! 
I kindle a flame like a torrent 
To rush from star to star; 
Your hair as a comet’s torrent, 
Ye shall see things as they are! 


Something clicked though after my therapist suggested medications and I agreed because I was so scared of what might happen to me. My first medication was Prozac and I have to say it changed my life. I still was in dark, deep waters, but I no longer stayed in bed all day, cursing everything around me, inattentive to my son who desperately needed me and promising myself that if life didn't get better, I would consider another "alternative".
I hadn't been diagnosed yet for Bipolar disorder so I was just sailing on, spending literally thousands of dollars a week on clothes, cosmetics, vacations and of course toys for my son. My grandmother and mother both had left in their wills, an inheritance for me, which was a pretty nice amount of money. Along with the spending sprees; I fell in and out of "love" so quickly it would make your head spin. After breaking up with someone, I couldn't understand why the men were angry and confused. I just thought something was wrong with THEM, it was never my fault that I lost interest so quickly.
When I was finally diagnosed five years after the initial diagnosis of having clinical depression, I really had no idea what the difference between having depression or bipolar disorder was. Once I started taking medications specifically for bipolar disorder, my life changed and I became a little more solid and had less suicidal thoughts. I also was able to be there for my son as I wanted to be all along but couldn't. However, I noticed my creativity started to dull. I wasn't staying up all night, writing poetry or hymns of love which left me sleepless and exhausted. Shopping no longer brought me the pleasure it once did. I had to fill that void of pleasure that shopping once brought me and it was then I discovered Yoga. My love life came to a halt because I no longer could feel the erotic passions I previously indulged in. I knew though I no longer had to just survive and maybe could actually start to thrive instead.
As much as I loved my pre-medication Dionysian days, I always knew I would crash into this horrible place of depression after mania and I had no way to stop it. You see the Maenad's in ancient Greek times would throw themselves into such a frenzy they would kill, dismember and sacrifice animals for the love of Dionysus. I felt that cold shadow pass me many times, although I never killed, dismembered or certainly never sacrificed any animals. I just was killing myself over and over unconsciously with a scary insanity. 
I've been through so many medications since then and I'm still trying to find that right combination of meds. which will help with better functionality and happiness. I know I'll never have a day that is 100% perfect, but my Psychiatric Medical Physician who I trust implictly told me that I can expect to have at least 90% days. If a person who has Bipolar Disorder takes the wrong medication or an incorrect dosage of an anti-depressant or a similar drug, it can cause either extreme mania or a suicidal depression. So, it's extremely important for those who have depression or bipolar disorder to find a trust-worthy and knowledgeable physician for the best medical care as well as a
Which brings me to and how I work with "magick" and walk on a healthy spiritual path. I am able to still write and now even blog, but I know I'll never be able to obtain those creative highs I once had. I still miss those Dionysian "highs" but I feel more so peaceful and grounded. Instead of finding pagan festivals to lose myself in, I go to a Yoga class or gather with others who walk a similar spiritual path. I still enjoy the Pagan world and will always be a pagan, but the burning sun I used to worship has dimmed and been hushed. I have voluntarily chosen not to be in a romantic relationship for the last few years. I'm only now ready to enter a romantic relationship when I find the right person because I know now I won't leave him "bewitched, bothered and bewildered" (sorry for the bad pun).

I lift the mask of matter; 
I open the heart of man; 
For I am of force to shatter, 
The cast that hideth -Pan! 
Your loves shall lap up slaughter, 
And dabbled with roses of blood 
Each desperate darling daughter 
Shall swim in the fervid flood. 
I bring ye laughter and tears, 
The kisses that foam and bleed, 
The joys of a million years, 
The flowers that bear no seed. 
My life is bitter and sterile, 
Its flame is a wandering star. 

I really wrote this post to hopefully tell those of you who have a mental disorder of any type, seek help now! There is nothing to feel ashamed about. And yes, the side-effects of medications can be harsh and painful, but the alternative is worse. A life of pure pleasure will in the end leave you burned out and possibly broke, ill or other something much worse. A life of just darkness and depression will deprive you of the beauty and joy that is available. And for those of you who know someone who has a mental illness, please be understanding and compassionate with them. They're not acting out or falling into depression on purpose. "Snapping" out of it, is like asking a fish to stop swimming. It's a chemical illness, just like diabetes and needs to be treated as such. Qualified doctor's and therapists are out there, as well as a lot of good information and resources. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is an excellent place to start.

Ye shall pass in pleasure and peril 
Across the mystic bar 
That is set for wrath and weeping 
Against the children of earth; 
But ye in singing and sleeping 
Shall pass in measure and mirth! 
I lift my wand and wave you 
Through hill to hill of delight : 
My rosy rivers lave you 
In innermost lustral light.. 


Dionysus hasn't completely deserted me; he just knows I'm not going to be one of those Manaed's who blindly follow him with the seductive power he has. If you have any questions, thoughts, or simply want to connect with me; I'd love to hear them. Blessings  for all of you.

I lead you, lord of the maze, 
In the darkness free of the sun; 

In spite of the spite that is day’s 
We are wed, we are wild, we are one.

(Poem" Dionysus" by Aleister Crowley)

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