Ain't no Cure for the Summertime Blues

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. ~Virginia Woolf~

I used to love Summertime when I was little. The feeling of the hot pavement smarting my feet, walking by houses in the early morning smelling the sweet and fresh perfume of new cut grass, and the freedom of not having to do any homework and playing outside until the sun stayed awake later than usual. That all changed for me when I was eleven years old.

My older brothers, every Summer went to a sleep away camp,
 in this gorgeous area of the local mountains, where they rode horses, had a dance every Saturday night with a vintage jukebox where songs like "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" were played over and over. They formed crushes on girls, that were bittersweet when their time at camp came to an end. I envied them for all the fun they had, but I always went to a day time summer camp that went to the beach every day and I would swim in the ocean pretending I was a mermaid.

On the summer when I turned eleven, it was my turn to go to Calamigos. My brothers were six and eight years older than me, so their time at camp was over, they had moved on. I was terrified at first at the thought of sleeping away from home and being away from my pets, (notice I didn't say my parents), but I had no choice. I ended up having the best time and not wanting to come home. I too, formed my own crushes and loved having the reputation of being Eric and Tony's little sister to the counselors who knew them. I rode horses until I was so sore, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. Camp became my new paradise. There was a parent's visiting day for the campers each summer session and my parents would always show up first for my brother's than it was my turn to see them. The visit was fun as I showed them around the camp even though they had seen it so many times between my brother's parents day and now me.

On the day that I came home, I was overwhelmed with this sadness that I had to say goodbye to my new family, I had made at camp. In the car going home, the first thing my mother said to me, after she briefly asked me how I enjoyed camp, was "You know how sometimes parents don't get along, like Gina's parents?" Gina was a a girl I went to school with who's parents were going through a "separation" which eventually lead to divorce. Back then, divorce wasn't as common as it is now and we were all shocked at the thought of a marriage breaking up. "The Brady Bunch" or the "The Partridge Family" may have been the ideal model of a blended family, but I knew those were just television shows and no way would that ever happen to my family.

My heart started hurting, my heart started racing so hard and I became immediately nauseous because I just knew what my mom was going to say next. "Well, your father and I haven't gotten along for a long time and he's moved out of the house." Just like that! Like many families, we were a family of secrets and never spoke about things that were unpleasant or disturbing. We looked like the ideal happy family from the outside with the desired two boys and a girl, dogs and cats and a literal white picket fence surrounding our front yard.

I came home and everything that was familiar and comforting was gone. I had stepped into a new book, where I didn't know any of the characters and I was lost like Alice. My family would never be all together in the same room or event. What a nightmare. It was after that, I never trusted Summertime again as being idyllic. It's interesting how trauma lays deep within our psyche and body, just waiting for the right trigger and jump out at us like a Jack in the Box even though intellectually we think we may be prepared.

Why I'm talking about this, is because Litha/Summer Solstice just happened and every year it fills me with the same dread of remembering that Summer. I've worked through a lot of the emotional issues through therapy, journaling, group counseling etc...but I never can quite end the pain. Summer is pushed by the popular media as being the time to go out there, have some fun, go on vacation and act like there's no tomorrow. And I have had many fun Summers since I was eleven. I wonder though if people really knew the lore and mythology of the Oak King and the Holly King fighting over the love of the Goddess, would they be all smiling shiny-happy people? Our ancestors knew that soon it would be time, to gather the harvest and prepare for the Fall and Winter when food would be more scarce and the light of day would be filled with a darkness. Imagine the energy of the Oak King, being like Robin Hood, the Green Man. Full of youthful energy, virile, strong and gleaming.

Then there's the Holly King, Saturn-like, older, wise, more stern and melancholy. We have this picture of the Holly King today as being more like Santa Claus than when he first arrived on the scene. But, it defeats the purpose of denying what he really stands for symbolically and externally. Mary on her blog "Avalon Revisited" wrote a wonderful post about the Holly and the Oak king that I urge you to check out so you can learn more about who they are and their story.

I've learned to accept the duality of myself with the youthful Oak King and how he serves to teach me of how joyful Summer can be despite the past. If I don't honor him, I stay stuck in sorrow and pain. And then the Oak King reminds me, that we must all descend into our own darkness for insight and wisdom. The trick is to live in the present, knowing that the cycle of life has to include a death for rebirth. The Holly King in the image above tenderly holds the new baby, the Oak King when he hasn't grown old enough to engage in battle for the Goddess. Our feminine energy that loves both and is receptive to the offerings they bring her.

I need to find some type of ritual to "hold the tensions of the opposites" as the great Dr. Carl Jung said. Do any of you have ideas about how I can do this? A ritual for letting go and still remaining open to the joy that can happen? I don't want to stay stuck in the past unable to move forward because of sorrow. I would really appreciate hearing your experiences and possible ideas for me. Thank you.

When the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left" ~~ Sufi Epigram

A Quiet Celebration

Monday morning I arose early as I usually do. Just a bit before daybreak. The sun had just started to rise and the twilight before was still present. As the sun slowly made it way to break the horizon, the soft pink hue caused by the few clouds that lingered in the sky began to replace the present twilight. A stillness could be felt as I sat on the steps of my back porch, stroking one of my many cats who seemed to be glad just for the presence of human contact.

Midsummer was finally here. The Summer Solstice had begun. I knew it would be a day filled with sunshine for a longer period than any other day of the year. The peak of the year had been reached and after today the decent into the darkness would begin. I found it funny that we seldom think of the first day of summer in such a sense. The sun shines brightly and the days continue to run long even though a few minutes are shaved from its possession each day. When the time comes that we finally do realize the shortness of the sun’s presence we wonder where the time has gone and why we did not realize it sooner.

Yet for many we look at the days preceding Midsummer as the ones of light. For we know that it is the peak and there is no place left to go but down. Many gather on Midsummer’s eve to say their farewells to the Oak King who represents the waxing year; and welcome the Holly King which represents the waning year. Certain plants are gathered on this night by the light of the moon above, as they are believed to harbor magical healing powers at this time. Midsummer is also an opportune time to experience the fae. It is at this time that the Feast of the Fairies Festival takes place. It is a day when the portals between the two worlds are open and the fairy folk walk among us. Whoever welcomes them and shows them kindness,  the fae in return will bless with wisdom and joy.

Hugh bonfires are built and burnt as a means to protect those who have joined to welcome the dawn and the Summer Solstice. It is believed that spirits, especially those who are evil, roam freely as the sun turns itself towards the south once more. The bonfires are a means of discouraging them from coming into the midst of the celebration. This is a good time for magic and purification rites as energies are strong.

I have always dreamed of being on the great mound at Stonehenge as Midsummer begins. To be among the many who gather to greet the dawn. At this time observers are allowed to approach the great stones. I have heard accounts of the electric energy which flows from them and would love the opportunity to experience its strength. A trip to the Glastonbury Festival which is held each year around the Solstice would also be a treat. Maybe someday.

As for this year, my celebration was a quiet one. A treat for the fairies was placed out under the elm in its usual place on Midsummer’s Eve. A few choice herbs were gathered as the sun set and the light of the moon could be seen. The next morning was one of silent meditation by me and the cat I previously mentioned. Together we welcomed the sun to frolic in its glory. We welcomed the Summer Solstice much like a cat and an older woman would; in silence, with a plate of milk and a stout cup of coffee.

As Summer spirals its longest dance,

May we be cleansed.

As nature shows bounty and beauty, m

May we be blessed.

Blessed Midsummer.